The Toxicity of the "Mom Mode"

Mom Mode. All moms are guilty of it. We see our kids, and we want them to have everything- the most love, the best education, great meals, sports, friends... The list goes on. I could talk forever about all of the things I want for my child. As I think about these things, I catch myself thinking of all the ways to achieve them- ways to make more money to afford the activities, ways to balance work and school and parenting, ways to show Brinlee everything amazing in the time I have with her. I immediately get a pang of anxiety.


Mom mode strikes again.


Ever since Brinlee was born, my main focus in life has been her. To a point, it should be. We all want our children to have better than what we had, don't we? However, love without boundaries is toxic. As a mom, love without boundaries can come as an instinct, almost.


Every single day, I cry on my way to work. My job is good, and it pays the bills, but I am constantly torn about the time it takes me away from Brinlee. I catch myself frustrated that I can't give her all of my time and still afford everything she wants and needs. I beat myself up for not giving her better, and beat myself up even more when I snap at her during the time I do have with her. I'm constantly telling myself that I'm coming up short.


Lately though, I've been working on my self-love. All of us moms should really do this more. I didn't start because I wanted to treat myself, or because I don't like being a mom. I realized, I am setting the example of the importance of mental health to my child.


Every time I sell myself short, I'm modelling low self-esteem.


Every time I cry from exhaustion, I show her that it's ok to put tasks and chores before my own health.


Every time I apologize for not giving her the things she wants is showing her that the material things are what matter.


Every time I cut myself short to make her life better, I am showing her that once we become parents, we don't matter.


That's not the message I want to send to my child.


So this past weekend, I took a "me" trip. At first, it was a struggle. As I passed that first exit sign on the way out of town, I was weighed down with guilt, and wanted to turn around and take Brinlee with me. Instead, I kept driving. I drove to my hometown 5 hours away, and I did the things that I wanted to do. I just kept on driving, and I listened to my own music. I slept in and wore PJ's all day. I didn't do my hair and I talked without fear of tiny ears listening in. I saw my sisters and brothers and I drove around town and I went into stores without a grumpy toddler.


With every step I took for myself, I felt the guilt of "mom mode" melting away. I found myself warming to the idea of my child seeing me as important. I smiled at the thought that one day, when Brinlee has her own kids, she will remember that it's ok to do things for herself, too. It's ok to take that trip or spend a night out with your friends. It's ok to take time off of work and go on a trip by yourself. It's ok to say "no, mommy needs a break".


My biggest fear as a parent is that one day, Brinlee will grow up and be overburdened by parenthood, and too scared to say "I need a break". I worry that she will struggle with the same feelings of inadequacy that I do. And to a point, every parent will. But as moms, we have to do better. We have to start teaching our kids that we are people, too. We have to break free of our "mom-mode" and remember who we are. We have to pick up that book, try that hobby, take that trip.


We have to model these things because love with boundaries is the best love we can give our kids. Our kids matter. They are our lives. But we matter, too.