Umbrellas

For my mom. She will always be a violent storm. I no longer need to go outside to feel her rain- I can watch the storm from inside where it's warm, and know that I have made my own safety. 

Yesterday, I was just a baby.
I was born into a world of destruction.
I cried and you fed me with lies of safety and security.
I took those lies like a pacifier and slept my way through the trauma of my childhood.

Yesterday, I was a child.
I found excitement in the constant moving- new houses occupied by old monsters.
I made new friends at new schools, and I used my second-hand umbrella to shield myself from your storm.
You raised me to be resilient while you yourself stayed stuck in your own destructive patterns.

Yesterday, I was a teenager.
I used teen angst as a cover for my trauma-fed tantrums.
I hid secrets from you and hid them better from myself.
I felt the rain as the umbrella from my childhood finally gave way to my emotions.

Yesterday, I was grown.
I was a young adult, thrown into a world full of insecurity.
I lied and told myself that I was better than you, but it turns out we are just the same.
I spent my money on mood swings and coffee beans.
I paid to escape the trauma of my childhood and danced in the rain around me, resistant to the way it burned my skin.

Yesterday, I was a mom.
I became aware of all of my mistakes and I bought a new umbrella to shield my child from myself.
I fought my own storm and found sunshine inside of me.
I felt myself turn from snow to sun and decided summer is my favorite season.
I decided I didn't want my child to need an umbrella for my storm.

Yesterday, I threw away my umbrella.

Today, I am me.
Today I am summertime and winter all in one.
I learned how to go sledding when sunshine gives way to winter storms.
Me and my baby have made our own path, perpendicular to your path of destruction.
We grow and learn and laugh together.
I raised her with the same resilience you raised me with, but this time I was the example that you never were.

Today I am everything I always needed.
Today, we don't need umbrellas.


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